A newly discovered sixteenth century drawing, of the famous ‘Don Dampwristo de la Torbaygo’

Pictured with his trusty side-kick Pancho Sanza

Don Dampwristo, although a real life sixteenth century character, is best known as the fictitious hero of two fifteenth century novels, by the Spanish writer, Miguel de Crustacian. The novels are called: ‘Don Dampwristo rides’ and ‘Don Dampristo rides again’.

These epic stories (each running to well over two-thousand pages), are based around the Don – alongside his trusty side-kick Pancho Sanza – becoming entangled in Russian spy rings and being repeatedly tortured, with various attempts to dry out his wrists, the dampness of which was his power, and his life-force.

All the chapters of the stories follow the exact same pattern, and are exactly one-thousand words long. The pattern of the chapters is outlined below:

  1. Don Dampristo de la Torbaygo discovers a Russian spy ring in his village
  2. His trusty side-kick leaves his side in order to urinate against small bush
  3. The Don is captured and taken to the secret Russian spy base, underneath the villages latrines
  4. The Don is subjected to various wrist drying tortures, including, but not restricted to: Toweling of the wrists, blowing on the wrists, wrists left in a shaft of sunlight to dry, wrists sucked by parched urchins, the Don being rotated at speed to cause drying of wrists, salting of the wrists, osmosis caused by leaving the Don’s wrists strapped to someone with dryer wrists than his (which is anyone)
  5. Pancho Sanza finishes urinating and discovers the Don is missing
  6. Pancho Sanza follows the trail of dampness (excreted from the Don’s wrists), to the Russian’s layer
  7. Pancho Sanza breaks in to Russian’s layer and, having defeated the guards, guard dogs and guard snakes, does a last minute and life-saving, horizontal dive towards the cell that Don Dampwristo is being held, at the same moment, he releases two, well-aimed shot glasses, loaded with sweet H2O, which hit the Don’s wrists, instantly invigorating the Don and allowing him to break free of his chains and the cell
  8. Don Damwristo and Pancho escape and end up drunk in a brothel
Even with such a ridged structures to his work, Miguel de Crustacian became the twenty-eighth most popular writer in his village. Incredibly, after the success of the two books, de Crustacian was never to pick up a pen again and died penniless in a gutter in Madrid, suffering from scurvy of the mind.

 

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