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A newly discovered sixteenth century drawing, of the famous ‘Don Dampwristo de la Torbaygo’

Pictured with his trusty side-kick Pancho Sanza

Don Dampwristo, although a real life sixteenth century character, is best known as the fictitious hero of two fifteenth century novels, by the Spanish writer, Miguel de Crustacian. The novels are called: ‘Don Dampwristo rides’ and ‘Don Dampristo rides again’.

These epic stories (each running to well over two-thousand pages), are based around the Don – alongside his trusty side-kick Pancho Sanza – becoming entangled in Russian spy rings and being repeatedly tortured, with various attempts to dry out his wrists, the dampness of which was his power, and his life-force.

All the chapters of the stories follow the exact same pattern, and are exactly one-thousand words long. The pattern of the chapters is outlined below:

  1. Don Dampristo de la Torbaygo discovers a Russian spy ring in his village
  2. His trusty side-kick leaves his side in order to urinate against small bush
  3. The Don is captured and taken to the secret Russian spy base, underneath the villages latrines
  4. The Don is subjected to various wrist drying tortures, including, but not restricted to: Toweling of the wrists, blowing on the wrists, wrists left in a shaft of sunlight to dry, wrists sucked by parched urchins, the Don being rotated at speed to cause drying of wrists, salting of the wrists, osmosis caused by leaving the Don’s wrists strapped to someone with dryer wrists than his (which is anyone)
  5. Pancho Sanza finishes urinating and discovers the Don is missing
  6. Pancho Sanza follows the trail of dampness (excreted from the Don’s wrists), to the Russian’s layer
  7. Pancho Sanza breaks in to Russian’s layer and, having defeated the guards, guard dogs and guard snakes, does a last minute and life-saving, horizontal dive towards the cell that Don Dampwristo is being held, at the same moment, he releases two, well-aimed shot glasses, loaded with sweet H2O, which hit the Don’s wrists, instantly invigorating the Don and allowing him to break free of his chains and the cell
  8. Don Damwristo and Pancho escape and end up drunk in a brothel
Even with such a ridged structures to his work, Miguel de Crustacian became the twenty-eighth most popular writer in his village. Incredibly, after the success of the two books, de Crustacian was never to pick up a pen again and died penniless in a gutter in Madrid, suffering from scurvy of the mind.

 

Gordano Ted, the birth of a legend. Like SuperTed, but evil, and not super and he also hates Paddington

The early years Born in Cusco – in shallowest, lightest Peru – Gordano Ted spent his formative years on his mothers Llama farm, rented from the tyrannical local landowner, known only as Uncle Pastuzo. Ted worked on the farm from the age of three months old, supporting his mother and allowing his younger brothers and […]

A Twitter exclusive short story about ‘Conrad the Chamomile'; Conrad goes to visit his bestest friend in the whole world

There was once a little Chamomile called Conrad. One day Conrad went to visit his bestest friend in the whole of the world. His bestest friend in the whole world was called Ed, Ed the Pansy. Ed lived in a ditch on the far side of Sprinkledown Meadow, underneath the old, burnt-out oak tree, that […]

Part 15 of ‘The Cat that Reversed Time’. There are issues with various Glofmillion and Lupin returns to Earth.

…then the tattered hands of the Blue Glofmillion closed around Arthur’s neck – much like the tattered hands of a Red Glofmillion closing around the neck of a man – and at the same moment. the tattered hands of the Yellow Glofmillion closed around Peralopolies neck – like the tattered hands of a Blue Glofmillion […]

Part 14 of the brilliant 2011 Man Booker Prize nominated novel, ‘The Cat that Reversed Time”.

In the heart of the mist filled field, stood a small patch of fog and a young cloud. They had been in the field for the last hour, discussing the strange smoke that was passing overhead and the effect it would have on the dissipation of steam from the Kellykettle, which gently rested on the […]

The beggining of the Booker Nominated children’s novel, ‘Johnny and The predatory Rainbow’, by Jeff Rainstick.

Johnny sat at his window, picking the old and peeling paint from the window ledge and looking across the lower field towards North Totter’s Wood. The rooks were returning to their roosts; dropping into the tangle of oaks, with their less than graceful wings outspread. The light was low and the birds were indistinguishable from […]

Introduction to a new erotic Sci-Fi Novel by the legend who is Arthur Pewse: Criotar the Slavik Space Prince and The Unruly Gomfez of Janvil III

It was late Clafton Calfton, when Gimrod The Shaven slid his end into the vacuum unit and expressed the last of his seepage into the blue tincture. “Funny feeling has touched my mind” he thought, as he withdrew from the unit and re-attached his special place. Gimrod had been expressing since the twelth moon had […]

Delicious recipe for cheeks, from new cookbook ‘Meat from the face’, by Heston Blumintrousers, Jamie Olivoil and Delia Scag

The book is an exploration of cooking from around the world, concentrating in particular on meat dishes based on cuts taken from the face of animals. Below is a list of various interesting meats included in the books: Scrabble (lips, snout, eyes) – US South Calf’s head – France Pig’s head – Hungary Sheep’s head […]

Part 13 of ‘The Cat That Reversed Time’, it’s the BSkyB of the novel world and the Sci-Fi novel to end all Sci-Fi novels

Peralopolies spread butter on another muffin, Lupin the cat stood up in his new trousers and turned off the alarm, Arthur re-tuned his harp, Mrs Slefton stroked Peter’s hair for the third time, John held his breath for a further minute, Gregory licked his hind quarters and then coughed, Jacky Jack John John wiped his […]

Part 12 of the guaranteed organic hyper-galactic Sci-Fi future classic ‘The Cat That Reversed Time’. Yes!

All of the biscuits were ruined. Peralopolies uttered a small cry, lowered his pants and scuttled back to the docking bay. Arthur sat for a moment, then spent a bit longer sitting, which meant the moment was turned into an hour, then a week, then two months and finally a year. When he tried to […]

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