How to get past the pain barrier. A guide for athletes and sportsman.

Athlete (A): Why are you standing in my way?
Mr Pain (M): I am a barrier.
A: Ow! Why did you hit me?
M: I am Mr Pain.
A: You’re an idiot. Now get out of the way and stop hitting me.
M: No.
A: Seriously, get out of the way, I’m in the middle of a race.
M: I can’t.
A: Why not?
M: I am Mr Pain.
A: I gathered that, but you just being someone and having a name, is not sufficient reason to bar my way. For example, I am here, I have a name, which is Nigel, but that does not mean I go around stopping people, in the middle of important races.
M: Hello Nigel.
A: It’s a bit late for pleasantries, get out of the way.
M: I’m sorry Nigel, I just can’t do that.
A: Look you’re not even competing, why are you stopping me?
M: It’s not my choice.
A: Oh I get it; you’re working for one of my rivals. I bet it’s John.
M: It’s not John.
A: Peter?
M: No.
A: Graham?
M: Look, Nigel, it’s not one of you competitors, it’s actually you.
A: What?
M: It’s you. My standing here is your own fault.
A: Ow! Why did you kick me? Get out of the way you weirdo.
M: I can’t, I am a barrier.
A: Oh I get it…you’re the ‘Pain Barrier’, very clever.
M: Correct, but more precisely Nigel, I am your pain barrier.
A: I see, so that’s why it’s my own fault you’re in my way, is it?
M: Yes.
A: Well if you’re part of me, then I’m in control. I command you to leave.
M: No.
A: Ok, this is clearly going nowhere, let’s start again. What do I have to do, to get past?
M: To get past, you need to push me to the ground, trample over my prostrate form – crushing it into the barren earth, with the last of your withering strength – all the while, screaming out your soul to the heavens and crying a tsunami, of salty tears, into your bloodied and broken hands.
A: Is that it?
M: What do you mean ‘it’?
A: Well, I thought you were going to put up more of a fight.
M: A fight? I’ve basically asked you to kill a part of your inner-self and break your very soul apart.
A: Well it seems a small sacrifice to make in order to get past you, and anyway, if you’re part of me, then I’d rather you weren’t, so yes, it’s not really a problem.
M: Won’t you miss me?
A: What?
M: Won’t you miss me?
A: You are joking aren’t you? You’ve basically just appeared in my life, at a very inconvenient moment, blocked my way and hurt me physically and emotionally.
M: Sorry.
A: What?
M: Sorry.
A: Again, it’s a bit late for that. Now, don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m going to push you to the ground now, trample over your prostrate form – crushing it into the barren earth, with the last of my broken will – all the while, screaming out my soul to the heavens and crying a tsunami, of salty tears, into my bloodied and broken hands.
M: You don’t have to do that.
A: I really do.
M: Ok then, let’s get it over with, but can I just ask one thing?
A: Go on.
M: Can you tell my wife I love her.
A: What?
M: My wife, can you tell her I love her?
A: How can you have a wife, you’re just part of my psyche?
M: Well I’ve just made her up, in order to make this harder for you. Can you also tell my children, that I’ll always love them and they will remain in my heart forever?
A: Your children, what on earth are you talking about?
M: Little Susie and Jonathan.
A: What?
M: Susie and Jonathan, my children. Susie has just started nursery school and Jonathan is just beginning to talk.
A: This is a bit weird now.
M: I know, but I bet you’re finding the idea of killing me a little more difficult?
A: That’s true. I always find it harder to kill bits of myself if they have family. That said, I am still going to knock you down.
M: Well, you’re a better man than I took you for.
A: I think you mean, “I’m a better man, than I took me for”, or something like that. Well whichever way, I guess this is goodbye.
M: I suppose it is.
A: Well, goodbye Mr Pain.
M: Yes, goodbye Nigel. It’s been a pleasure knowing you, and don’t forget to speak to my wife.
A: I’m sleeping with you wife.

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