“Call me… Ishmael”, said Peralopolies, as he read the first line of Moby Dick.
“Ishmael, go and put the standard resuscitation headlock on Mrs Slefton this instant”, instructed the heavily sweating mouth of Arthur. He was now leaning against the new brick-lined portcullis, feeling exactly like a man holding a small neutered man in his hands, as he gently cupped a little neutered man in his hands. “He’s hot Peralopolies, awful hot, and I don’t like what’s coming out of his mouth!”
The swearing of the neutered always aggravated Peralopolies, so he lowered his pants and with a deep sigh and a pen, wrote the following on Mrs Slefton’s swollen head, “Why must you worry me with all these actual occurrences? You know how much they weigh on the place where my mind isn’t.”
Meanwhile, from the centre of the fractal vortex, Lupin the cat looked down on the scene of Arthur holding the neutered man and decided that it was time to up the stakes a little. He started to rub the second of the neutered men to increase his temperature, glancing at the various gauges he had found in the Neuterites’ nest. “Time is of the essence”, he muttered into the vortex; the vortex then took his muttering and transmogrified it into the shape of a C14th Dutch peasant’s aspirations, which was the shape of a large turnip, just as Lupin had intended it would be.
Arthur released the neutered man and let out a small yelp of dismay, as he gazed down at his now altered palms. “Peralopolies, the little bastard has reddened my palms somewhat, have it killed and…” At that moment a large turnip smashed into the side of Arthur’s face, with almost the same velocity and a medium turnip would have, but slightly more, as it had a higher terminal velocity than a medium one.
The impact caused Arthur to fall to the ground like a dropped gun. He then lost consciousness, regained it, lost it a second time, found it beside the keys that he had lost two weeks previously to this, lost it again and this time failed to find it, as he was now truly unconscious.
It was then that Peralopolies instigated the Coup d’état.
Cartoons and things by Simon French