Shock that new Army issue rifles sweet-preserve, dispensing nozzles are capable of allowing bullets to come out and kill people

There was shock among the military top-brass when the latest delivery of rifles was unpacked at the MOD unpacking centre in Guernsey.

The rifle, known as The Desert Spoon, or ‘Spooner’, was intended as a replacement to the standard British Army issue rifle, the SA80. The SA80 was due for an update, following major problems with its sweet-preserve, dispensing nozzle, which has been found to become jammed while spreading.


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The Spooner, or ‘Sponti’, was thought to be a straight replacement for the SA80, but on unpacking the consignment, top MOD technologists discovered the front nozzle had the ability to launch pointy, metal shapes from one end and that when these pointy shapes were fired at a high velocity, they could cause a potential threat to people standing in front of the rifle.

Embarrassingly for the MOD, the rifles had to be returned to the manufacturers to be re-engineered, to remove the danger of misuse. A statement from Field Marshall Peter Pater was released from its cage yesterday and is thought to be heading towards the Dartmoor National Park, in search of a mate.

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