The new and guaranteed eight-week super diet, from Susan ‘Fat Man’ Berton’s Veg Shack, North Shore, Hawaii, Swindon, Nigeria

Week 1. Beetroot

Week 2. Smaller beetroot

Week 3: Larger beetroot (back up to the same size as week 1)

Week 4: Larger beetroot (larger than both week 1 and week 3)

Week 5: Smaller beetroot (surprisingly, smaller than week 2, much smaller than week 1 and 3 and even smaller than week 4)

Week 6: Medium beetroot (somewhere between week 1 and week 2)

Week 7: Average beetroot (now you’d think this was the same size as week 6, but it’s not, the average is actually based on the Californian beetroot index, revision C1.32.AXB.41, and the beetroot are the size of a toddlers face)

Week 8: Asparagus

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